I have inherited many of my late mother’s characteristics as well as a few of her body parts – figuratively speaking, of course. I have always known I have her legs, but I just recently discovered I have her arms, too.
I noticed it while I was driving. I had glanced into my side-view mirror, and there was my mom’s arm, resting on the opened left-side window, right where my arm was supposed to be. I could not stop staring at it! You think a distraction like putting on make-up while driving is bad? You should see a woman who has just seen her “mom's arm” in the side-view mirror!
Twist, twist (Miss America wave): “Look at the wrinkles!” Shake, shake: “Look at the wobble!” I was morbidly fascinated by this. It’s not that I didn’t know my arms were aging, it’s just that I had never seen them at this angle in bright sunlight before.
This discovery is only one notch down from the horror you feel when you check your make-up in the rear-view mirror in bright sunlight when you’ve accidentally left your magnifying reading glasses on! You can not, un-see that.
Lighting is everything. Well, that and eyesight. A decade or so ago while I was first dating my (now) husband, he casually told me that his optometrist had told him that he needed to schedule cataract surgery to correct his blurry vision. Now, I’ve never thought blurry vision was such a bad thing for your boyfriend to have – it softens the view. So I said, “Cataract surgery Sweetie? Are you sure you need that? Can’t you just squint?”
“Judi, my eyesight has been blurry for years. But now it’s worse and I’m having trouble seeing signs and ” … blah, blah, blah … I stopped listening after “blurry for years”.
I froze.
“Wait. Your eyesight has been blurry for years?!” I asked in alarm. That explains it! I always wondered why he referred to me as his gorgeous girlfriend! His blurry vision had been creating a Photoshop version of me ever since we met!!
Crap!! What was going to happen when his eyesight cleared?
Panic set in and I casually asked, “What would you think about running off to Vegas and getting married, before your cataract surgery?”
“You’re a hoot!” he replied as he picked up his phone to schedule his surgery.
I tried to stay as far away as I could after his surgery, especially in bright light. As time went on, however, and I didn’t notice any change in his behavior towards me, I let my guard down. But, I still back away when I see him reach for his reading glasses!
Wrinkles are not lethal or painful, they are not related to mobility or cognitive decline, nor are they contagious. So why all the fuss? You know why!
They make us look like old farts and we don’t like that! The cosmetic industry knows that too, and that’s why they made 62.97 billion dollars in 2023 by capitalizing on our wrinkle battle and seducing us with provocative claims.
We don’t always believe the tales of the gnarled granny morphing into a luscious babe in less than a month for only $49.99 … but we sometimes get lured in anyway. Just in case.
And, of course, besides cosmetics, there are so many new procedures now that can tighten and tuck and lift and eliminate and supplement and create pure magic they say, but I wouldn’t know where to start!
Any miracles out there? Have any of you tried anything that actually worked? Anyone know anything about removing/hiding turkey wattle? … asking for a friend.